Books are like blog posts, only they have continuous chapters and follow a story line. I thought why don't I start to create my book and let it unfold, live on the web, as I write and transform it. Nothing like seeing incremental progress as you set your goals.
THIS IS A DRAFT ONLY. Please excuse grammar, incorrect sentence structures, spelling, etc.
The name of my book is: THE HOLE IN MY SOUL. A journey of hope and inspiration and finding blessings in the lessons.
I chose this title because it was coined by John Bradshaw, from the book; Bradshaw on the Family. A remarkable book that follows along the same ideation of "Family Constellation Therapy." Bradshaw used this term in his book to describe how children feel when they are misplaced from their original identity.
1. The Beginning (Mom, dad's death, the McNair's, elementary, San Francisco, sports, friends, ACAD)
2. The Quest (Why health and wellness?)
3. The Trials (All of the ideas, courses, instructions, and therapy that I have experienced)
4. The Drama (All of the relationships; Rob, Brad, Gilbert, Marvin, Clint, Kevin, Doug, Cam)
5. The Healing (Shamanism, Reiki, Holodyanmics, GeoTran, Hoffman Training, Landmark Training, Feng Shui, Dr. John Demartini, Sarah, Family Constellations-Mark Wolynn, Bud, Rea, Joe Dispenza, Bruce Lipton)
6. The Conclusion, for now.
(Please note this is raw and unedited)
My current understanding is this: There is a moment before you are born at about six weeks, where you are in this totally magical, safe, balanced state, then your umbilical cord gets attached to your mom's uterus and now you receive not only nutrients but ALL environmental influences received and interpreted by and through your mother. What your mother feels, you feel at some level.
Can you imagine what that is like if your parents are fighting, arguing, using alcohol, or depressed? We now have scientific proof that epigenetics has a profound effect on us (see index). And even the famous cell biologist, Bruce Lipton (who wrote the groundbraking book “Biology of Belief”) states that our "environments" shape our beliefs. So if normal looks like dysfunction, high stress hormones, and fear based survival instincts, then your world may look very different that that picture in your mind. I am not making this up. If you read Mark Wolynn's book; It Didn't Start with You, there is a very important study about mice and their offspring. I'll sum it up. If you take a mouse and inflict some sort of stress every time it SMELLS a cherry blossom, the mouse will LEARN to AVOID the cherry blossom. Well when that mouse has offspring, that offspring now AVOIDS cherry blossoms when it smells it. How can nature account for this? Simple. You learn what to avoid to PROTECT yourself in your environment. This is supposedly wisdom passed down through the generations. Well it now depends on HOW your mother and father INTERPREDID their environment. Was if full of possibly, hope, love and joy? Or was their experience of life one of consistent unease, stress, and sadness?
I know for some reading this, they have great lives, or had challenging parents but some how survived and thrived through those experiences. I am not talking about those people. I am talking about people like me who interpreted the messages I was getting from my parents, and mostly my mom that I wasn’t safe, I wasn’t secure and I wasn’t going to get my basic needs met. I didn’t consciously know this, my body felt this to the core, and it did what it needed to do, to protect itself.
So what does mother nature do to protect itself when the deer is going to be eating by the lion? Well she sends a whole bunch of chemicals (cortisol, adrenaline, and glucose) into the blood at lightening speed to get ready to fight, flee or hide. And worse if the FEAR is greater than the system can candle we go into FREEZE mode. Thank goodness Mother Nature had a sense of compassion. Who wants to “feel” being eaten by a tiger?
Mother Nature gives those animals who do escape the attack by FREEZING, playing dead, and then escaping when the Tiger is distracted, a mechanism that allows their body to "shake" it off. Peter Levine wrote about this in his first book Waking the Tiger. If you can not process your trauma phsycally or mentally, then parts of you will stay disasociated and block out those feelings so you don’t have to feel that pain of being that scared. Scared like you are going to be eaten and die. And what if that tiger was wearing a yellow shirt and a ball cap? Your nervous system is now on the look out for yellow shirt and ball caps "associations" so that you fight, run or hide from that remembrance in your body. It's all done at the speed of light. Your sub-conscious processes millions of bits of data from the environment in nano seconds, so you don't even have a choice to not feel the FEAR when you see connections from the past.
Another Mother Nature gift, is called "mirroring," and "mirror nureons." When you are born, you have no sense of self, you need your parents to mirror back what you are feeling and how to regulate, or down regulate those emotions. I see you are cold, here is a blanket, Oh, I see you are hurt, are you okay, let's get a bandaid? Oh, I see you are angry, I understand that, however you can’t throw your food on the floor, you keep the food in the bowl.
Sounds simple, however most people that never got proper mirroring never got to regulate their emotions to know that they are safe. If you are in some sort of dysfunction, from relationship commitment issues, to self-esteam, to never being able to hold down a job, come from this place of inappropriate and misguided mirroring. Now to set the record strait, I do understand in nature you need both support and challenge equally to grow the most. However, most people get too much challenge and burn out or shut down or they get too much support and stay babies and don’t thrive in life, looking for everyone else to take care of their needs. I am aware of this, and I do not want to imply that growing up shouldn’t be challenging or that parents should be perfect. What I am saying is that if you have too much unstability, uncertainty, sexual inappropriateness, and a whole lot of shame, you will likely not be able to thrive in certain areas of your life. Or you will go on auto pilot and wake up some day and wonder where you life went, and why don’t you feel as great as your life looks.
So I will paint a picture of my life, and look for the answer and the healing to come to full completion. I am still on my journey, and each day I wake up I am thinking about this question? What is the best version of myself I can offer the Universe today? Not always easy when the fear or anxiety creeps in, or the brutal truth is you need to pay your mortgage by the end of the month. BIG Tiger if you grew up on welfare and the message your mother gave you was: "Oh, just make sure you pay your rent so you have a place to starve in." Wow, that is not great messaging for your offspring. Doesn't matter if you add a "chuckle" at the end of it or not.
I often wanted to know why. Why did I feel different than the other kids? Why didn’t I know what I wanted to do with my life? Why was I so shy when all I wanted to do was perform and play? Why did I my heart race everytime I wanted to express what was on my mind? Why couldn’t I ask for what I wanted, like an extra plate of food at my friends, or a juicy peach in the fruit bowl at my mom's friends house?
These questions propelled me into an endless quest to know more about my body/nutrition, my mind/healing, my soul/spirituality, and career and business. From sociology, psychology to the esoteric and bizarre. My search took me all over the world, to all kinds of places, cities and adventures. I wouldn’t change places with anyone for the world, I love my depth of character, how I sense the world, and what gifts that my wisdom gave me to make a real contribution to this world. Anyone can do great things when they are happy, but try feeling beaten down and then get back up with a smile on your face, and light in your heart to make today different, better more of what you dream of then what you fear.
I am going to share with you my journey as best I can remember it. My intention and sincerest wish is that you take one thing and share that insight with someone you care about. Stories transcend our culture, and sharing is a way learning from other peoples’ experiences that are all unique, no matter how small.
LET’S START AT THE END FIRST.
I didn't get off my medication. I tried. Since I was 30 I have been looking for a way to navigate through this stigma of needing anything to control my biology. Well, guess what? It's just the way it is, it's just an experience. If GOD made all things, then he made my medication to keep me balanced so that I don't make the falls so hard.
2017 was really hard. I lost almost everything. I lost the love of my life, I moved my daughter and I to a ridiculous high-rise in the East Village. Disaster. I bounced around in a mania that lasted for six months until the reality of life hit me in the face and demanded I wake up. Thank goodness for friends and family. My sister, wow. WOWZA is all I can say. She held a space for me that let me heal. It was a time of pure humility. I'm back now. Rebuilding. Writing again.
Not that glamorous of an ending is it? I thought I would break any fantasies that self-healing and self discovery lead to the perfect life of marriage, fame and a beautiful home in the woods. What I do want to say is that I have a relationship with my daughter that I could have never imaged when she was two, but now is filled with joy and simplicity and understanding. He father Doug, my X, is a good father, stable and loves our daughter completely. He also has the BEST artistic photographic record of her, that could be in any gallery.
I am a healthy, sexy and vibrant women. I love learning and see my wealth as the knowledge I have accumulated since I was 18.
Like jazz, art and life, there is no contrast unless there are two polarities. I have danced on both sides, it was hard, terribly painful at times, estatic, erotic, crazy, hopeful and delusional. Kind of like the movie A Beautiful Mind—an altered reality, but one filled with richness and magnificence and gratitude in the end.
In the movie when Russel Crow’s character (John Forbes Nash) won the Nobal Prize for Economics in 1994, I cried. I truly did. It was like seeing your craziness and your potential all at the same time come into reason and meaning in the end.
This is the Beginning ...
I was born premature and spent the first six weeks in the Holy Cross hospital in 1970. When I was 10 months old my father died. Those two events, were a pivitol time in my beginning feelings and body memories that would last until unravelled bit by bit. My dad's death, altered the life course for my mom—one that she was not prepaired to handle without valum, alchol and many dysfunctional relationships.
The earliest recalled physical memory I have was when we were camping in Waterton Valley, Alberta. I almost drowned in the lake when I was three. That sums up my life really. “Help I am drowning!” Who can save me? Who can see that I am suffering, or alone, or hurt, or cold, or upset? If not my my mom, then who? How can she. She is in pain, she is not watching her girls. She is hiding behind the bottle of Jack talking with her boyfriend Bill. I still can not recall who saved me. I actually think I saved myself. I believe that I most likely slipped and fell into the lake, and momentarily panicked when the water rushed in my mouth and I couldn't breath. All I had to do was stand up. I stood up. But the pain of "no one saw that? No one came to check if I was okay?" became a permanent marker in my memory. What does a three year old say about themselves without a prefrontal cortex? I'm not important. I am alone. I am afraid.
This pattern went on in my life. From not having enough to eat for lunch, (making butter crackers with jam on the kitchen floor) to freezing outside the house because one of us forgot the keys, or someone locked the door. I had to learn to survive and adapt. So what did I do?
Well I think I’ll put on a bit of Teflon for now, and I will find a sneaky (according to my sister) but really it was adaptability and resourcefulness on my part, to get my needs met. I will have very good maners, I will not talk unless asked, I will do what others ask of me and do what they want, and I will play sports so that I am valuable.
I have learnt that the crisis's are really your blessings. Manors come in VERY handy when you want to impress anyone, that you can belong and follow the rules. Things like manners really count when you are at friend’s houses, dating and looking to impress a client at a function. Halaluya I had elegance, grace and didn’t get too involved in the conversation. (I couldn’t any way, I thought I was too dumb, as I didn’t get what they were talking about anyway, and it wasn’t that interesting to me at 23 anyway.)
Feeling odd is an odd feeling. You don’t know when you are growing up that this feeling or perception of not fitting in, stems from you not getting your basic needs met. Being present with your child is like crack for the addict. We need it to survive and depending on the type of chemical if you thrive or just survive in later life.
My mother’s mirroring was more like, I don’t see you because I am in too much pain, or better yet why don’t you comfort me, seeing that you are five now, I'll just check out with The Young & the Restless (popular daytime TV drama) and let you play by yourself. You can walk yourself to school, and make your butter and cracker sandwiches for lunch because I am not getting up with you, it's too early, I just got home a few hours ago. NO? Why not? What are you crying for then, you big baby? Stop your crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
I have to insert this funny notion of what we thing we are doing better at than our parents. I use to call my mom an "abuser" when I learnt what the term meant. She would get violently angry at this notion, because she was ABUSED by her foster parents in a very physical way. Well emotional abuse is still abuse. Not providing love, attention and presence for your children is neglect. That carried on into my parenting. I took the good and the bad. I was awfully ANGRY at and to my daughter Sarah. The look on her face when my frontal lobe turned off and my reptilian brain took over, was enough to make you take your own life. I knew that look very well. I knew that sense of hurt feelings. I am grateful that MOST times I was conscious enough to say I am sorry, and that it's not your fault your mom is so stressed. You are small, I am big, I'll take responsibility for the way I feel and act towards you and anybody.
Mom has to go out drinking now, not sure if I’ll come back, but it’s okay, Wendy (my big sister) is nine and she can take care of you. Holy shit Batman. Really, this is normal? Feels normal. Well at least I can keep relying on the wall always moving, so I better just be hypervilligant and adapt to any situation that comes my way. And don’t ask for anything because you aren’t going to get it, and after I pay all of the bills I’ll get groceries. Eat those turnups, apples and carrots or go hungry, or eat my pizza leftovers that I brought home from yet another one of my boozer boyfriend's dates. Wow this is magical. I feel so "in my head-creative" because I have to disappear from the pain I am feeling. (Again, lessons into blessings. I am grateful for my creativity, I use it every day to inspire myself and keep moving forward. Nothing like a NEW idea full of inspiration to give you energy.)
And side note of gratitude: Glad I didn’t grow up in a house full of twinkies, pop and sugared cereals.
What I don’t think is cool is the fact that I started to understand that your friend’s houses were better to eat at than yours, and their moms actually new that it was picture day and fixed your hair for you so that you didn’t look like a total misfit. (Mission not accomplished, because I actually ran back and got my peanut butter and jam-stained favourite blue t-shirt out of the pile of dirty laundry and wore that.)
When I was in Thailand I remember breaking down and crying during one of my first Reiki training sessions. We had to use our intuition and place our hands where we felt that there was a change in the energy and thus singling us that there was an energy exchange or a healing taking place. What I realized was that I DID NOT trust myself. If you can't trust yourself and what you know to be true for you at any given moment, then you are simply lost and afraid.
"I don’t believe you Lisa, your lying to me" is a familiar story. When I was seven I went for a walk to my girlfriend’s house and before I got to the corner of her street to turn into, I noticed a long hair guy standing at the corner with a switch blade in his hand-tapping it, looking at me. Now, this is what I have always remembered and perhaps I made that scene into a nightmare, however that is not important, what is important is how my mom reacted to my retelling of her when I was frantic and emotionally distraught.
I kept walking like I didn’t notice him, or that I was afraid, and stayed on the other side of the street. When I got about ½ block past him, I ran as fast as my little legs could take me, and I ran ran ran around the school yard. (And it was a big school yard, still is.) I ran and ran and ran until I got home. (Again blessing. My legs. I am a really great runner!)
I told my mom as I flew in the front door and stood in the living room crying and out of breath. I saw this young guy and I felt scared he had a .... "Really Lisa, you are making that up, there was no man there with a knife? I can still remember the feeling I had. Why would I make that up? And why the fuck (I didn’t say that) would I run all the way around AE Cross High School to get back home if I didn’t feel scared or threatened in some way, NO matter what I thought I saw or perceived I saw? I felt defeated and at that point, started to second guess what I felt. How could my mom not believe me. What about these emotions I am feeling, how do I calm down? How do I soothe myself? I am seven. Am I safe? Am I crazy? What did I see then.
Feelings are there for a reason. They are there to warn you when you receive stimuli from the outside environment that something isn’t safe, or that something isn't good, or seem right for YOU.
Well if my mom didn’t believe me and now I don’t believe me, who should I trust? Better trust your mom, she knows what’s best, she is the authority on feelings and reality. Right. Wrong. My mom is the worst for blown out emotions and being so unregulated. She actually called me a week ago crying that she couldn’t go to her sister’s funeral because it was too traumatic for her. Traumatic? Your sister just lost her son and you can’t go because you still haven’t processed your husband’s funeral from 45 years ago? Really? And you are going to cry on the phone to me and tell me how you can’t do it. You want me to tell you everything will be okay and that you are doing the right thing, and to trust your feelings?
That’s when I clued in that my mom was never going to be the parent. Her daughters were going to take on that roll, and she can stay the seven year old. I know this may sound harsh, or if my mom read this book she would break down and cry, however that’s who she is for me.
I understand that she couldn’t give me what I needed because she didn’t get what she needed. Orphaned at seven, sexually and emotional abused most her youth, would cripple anyone moving into parenthood and hoping to do things right 30% of the time (apparently that’s all we need.) My mom is a courageous woman, funny, creative and pretty happy most of the time now. I have come to appreciate the skills she did give me, the challeges I was given and how those benefited me. How other friends, people and families did provide me with what I needed, though in another form.
Sexually inappropriateness, and boundaries not established is a problem. You are not okay, is not how you want to grow up, but we do. Hopefully you attrack the right teachers and people in your life to help guide you to a more balanced world. Thank God for a balanced world if you care and dare to look. (See Dr. John Demartini's work)
I had some fabulous teachers and experiences growing up that helped me enough that I didn’t get into too much trouble. No drugs, teenage pregnancies, or trouble with the law.
When my mom lost our house to the bank, we moved from a middle income neighborhood (we were not that income, my dad was, my mom was on welfare most of the time) to Greenwood Village trailer park. Lovely. At ten I knew this was not a good idea and not a move up in life, it was a move down into humility. Like I needed more at this point.
The good thing is we all got new bikes, beds and clothes. Also, there was new furniture, washer and dryer, microwave and the Star Wars movie record. We were cutting edge man, so it didn’t feel so terrible at first. Eveyone in the 500 trailer park was in the same boat, except you could tell on the outside the people that cared and the people who didn’t give a rats ass about their lawn, flower gardens or porch. I was the token lawn mower and weed puller. I sucked at that, and no way was my mom getting her long red painted nails in the dirt. I made great friends with a girl name Krissy in grade five. She and I became budies and I became a regular fixture at her dining room table. Her mom worked hard, and was always yelling at her kids. Different kind of screaming than drunk screaming. This was more like scretching to get her kids to get up off the couch and wash their hands, mind their mannors, stop fighting. Normal home stuff.
Then I found a group of girls when I started grade seven and we became the best of friends through playing sports together. It was a great discovery in my life that you could play and do other things other than running from boys, skipping on the tarmac, and kicking a ball at recess.
I felt excited and competitive with myself and others to be the best that I could and enjoyed spending time with my girlfriends. I wasn’t the best, nor the captain, nor the leader, however the sports I did on my own like track and field and badminton, I won first in place regularly, which gave me confidence to keep playing the other ones. Besides it was a blast laughing and what seemed to me like playing games while we trained.
Ann, Lori, Christine, Linda and myself were intertwined and entangled in each other’s lives. Sometimes we would fight with one another and become closer and spend more time with the other one, but in the end we all managed to come together and get into trouble now and then as we learnt about boys, school work, and loyalty through sports.
I did know for sure that my mom was different than the other moms. We couldn’t have sleepovers for various reasons, but mostly because we often didn’t have enough cereal or milk, unless it was 1/2 powdered and 1/2 skim, yuck—I certainly wasn’t going to subject my girlfriends to that. So, I stayed at their houses mostly. I had three moms, dysfunctional or not, they were all hard working women who took care of their children. Gave them spending money, got them a full lunch each day for school, new clothes at the start of the year, and new running shoes. I believe shoes tell a lot about a person. And when you are 13 and 14, shoes become a big deal. Are you cool? Are you current? Are you wealthy? Are you poor? Shoes say a lot about you. It shows your social status in a way, your charcter, your individuality and your profession. I care a lot about shoes. I still do. I feel that shoes are an expression of how you move your body, what you want to do, what you want to portray.
Never the right shoes. My feet were really small for my age, so finding shoes that fit my age group seemed awkward. I remember having to go into a kids store to look for fancy shoes, but only found flats with bows, which definitely was me. The shoes I wanted as running shoes where these white leather Asaic's (cool for 1983), my mom couldn’t afford. I don’t blame her, they were about the same cost of our grocery bill for 4-6 days. But those shoes seemed at the time like the only thing that would make me faster, stronger, better at the game. I fantasized how I could get the money to buy them and traveled to the mall many times and just held them in my hands or gazed into the displays and dremted about those running shoes. I finally got them when I had saved enough money doing odd jobs, but guess what the joke was? They didn’t fit me properly, I bought them one size too big, and the heavy white leather burrowed blisters in the back of my heels. It was so disappointing. All I wanted was those shoes, but I forgot to make sure that they were the right kind of shoes, the ones that fit my unique feet. Not that there is anything wrong with my feet, they were just small, but wide in a way that shoes fit my length but were too tight, or they were just right but too long and floppy. I wanted those shoes to make me feel like I was someone, like I belonged to something rich and worthy.
Another magical thing happened in junior high school. Not only did I have friends, serogat mothers and sports, I had great marks. Me the one who thought she was stupid was now getting 80’s and 90’s in every subject but social studies.
I had great teachers who loved me, supported my growth, encouraged me to explore more and use my creativity. It wasn’t a special school, it was in a low socioeconomic area of the city. But the teachers cared, and they took an interest me. I flourished acedemcically. I felt special, and I felt that not only was I good at sports, and drawing, I was now as smart as the other kids and my girlfriends saw that I was getting good marks.
Then tragedy happened. My group of great girlfriends all disappeared. Lori was in one grade below me so she wasn’t entering into High School, Christina got pregnant, so she was definitely out. Linda was moving back to Ontario and Ann decided to go to a different High School. My life changed drastically in a big way. From having a close knit group of girlfriends to have no friends. It was one of the loneliest years of my young adult life.
Here I was going from a school of a couple hundred kids, to a school of 1500. And belive me I knew I was not in their league. They were beatuful, they had fancy back packs, they wore great shoes and had their own sense of fashion (mine was a t-shirt and jeans and dirty runners) and they had money to go to the cafeteria for lunch. It was like shell shock. It was like the real world hit me in the face. From Bowness blue collar to fast cars, clothes, and white collar. I didn't fit in and I knew it.
I felt alone, ugly, and utterly a loser who obviously had no money. To make it worse High School courses were nothing like the Jr. High courses I aced. It seemed ten x harder. I dropped out of Chemistry 10, actually almost fluncked out of Math 10, my best subject and I started to wonder why was I suddenly so stupid?
My confidence was at an all time low. At least I had sports. That was my love, and I had Art 10, which was the only subject I did well in. Sports saved my life. The only draw back was that I lived and hour plus away from my school, and if it was dark, I had to go around the long way as cutting through the forest beside the delinquent group home wasn’t an option for my nervous system or safety in general.
It was painful being on the bus and hungry. I never had food for after pratices and I was the only girl on my team that didn’t get picked up, or at least that’s what I perceived. I would actually hide in the bus shelter, and duck down as my team mates drove by with their parents, going home for a warm dinner.
My mom didn’t let me feel sorry for myself. It was clear that if I wanted to play sport that I would have to do what it takes to get to and from school. She didn’t have money for gas for me, but always enough to get to the bar it seemed. When she was home she did have some dinner waiting for me, those were great nights. But by the time I finished dinner, unpacked my school books, I was exhausted. I barely got my homework done, falling asleep on the bedroom floor.
To make it worse in the summer before grade 11. My two older sisters decided to move to Vancouver. The only great thing was that I got Wendy's room, which she had made into this pink palace. Pink carpets, white, purple and pink wall paper that covered the fake wood paneling. Shelves. It was all mine now. I missed them terribly. I was really alone. I cried when they left, they were all I had. My mom was dating someone new again, and would be at his place or they would come home drunk and screw. Paper thin walls made it awkward for a young girl who didn't know the first thing about dating, sex or being an adult in an adult relationship. The closest I got to thinking I knew anything was the Penhouse and Playgirl my mom had in her bedroom. Not sure to this day why she had those magazines but we looked and giggled at them often.
Highlight of grade elven came when my volleyball teacher Mr. Gillis took an interest in me. For some reason his extra time with me turned my average skills into something more than I had realized. Something changed in me. I felt like I could be better, do better, and I was faster than most. I finally got to be one of the starters at the beginning of the game. I was the only setter on the court. I thrived as the team gelled and I made huge improvements. That was a turning point for me. I gained some much needed confidence.
Adding old pages from previous writings. TO BE EDITED - today is December 24th, 2017
Bipolar and me.
I really don’t like to say; “I am bipolar” as it becomes a statement of who I am. I am not bipolar. I have bipolar tendencies and symptoms. I truly believe that my condition is due to an underlying cause. That this is not genetic, that it is symtomatic. I have been searching for a cure for my behaivor for a very long time. I’ve tried crazy courses, supliments and talk therapy. I still haven’t found my underlying cause. Perhaps I never will. One thing is certain I am going to keep trying, no matter who laughs and scoffs at me.
More and more people are getting diagnost with bipolar. How come? Why is their an increase in this debilitating disease (I will call that for the sake of this book only). I am certain that the brain makes up a story so convincing that the outword manifestation can’t be helped.
This is my story.
I’m not sure if I was depressed in my teenag years or not. I remember being confused and lost about what it was I wanted to do. Who I was, what type of job would fullfill my desires. Hard to know seeing that I came from a place where an alocholic parent was in full exposure. Was I more upset at this than the average person, or did I block it out to cope and survive. I was a happy child and interested in a lot of things, had dreams and goals, wanted more for myself than the girl in the trailer court could of hoped for.
I remember my highschool art teacher telling me that I would really enjoy ACAD. I had never heard of the Alberta College of Art and Design. I enrolled and got in with flying colors. Seemed like a good fit for me. I enjoyed being creative and expressing myself. When second year came, it was obviuous I just wasn’t the best designer, I had talent but not the “gift” of most successful designers. have. My confidence was low and added to my low self esteem.
I found myself in my third year in Detroit on a mobility program. What an experience. I really excelled. But again it was reinforced that my best talents were not in design but in illustration. I won the best airbrush illustration of my class. I was so excited. This gave me renewed confidence in my abilities in the art world. I came back home more confident and sure of myself. I had a wonderful experience and learn’t a lot about myself and my talents.
Year four I was finally able to joing the SAIT volleyball team. I missed playing sports so much, it was my only regret for not going to University. I didn’t have the strongest portfolio. I had to redo a lot of my assignments just to have a decent book. Finding a job was hard work. There weren’t a lot of jobs for a person with no experience and an average porfolio. However I found a job as a paste up artist at a printing company. I was very excited about the job and even happier that I found work on my own and didn’t take the advice of my boyfriend, who promised his dad could find me a job. I didn’t on my own. Here I go.
The job was boring after mastering the few techniques needed. The year draged on, the second year draged on. I was feeling very restless. I was thinking that I couldn’t keep working at this no where job. I told the Gereral Manager I was quiting. Well my good luck had come in. They had fired their designer and wanted me to take up the position. I was thrilled. There was so much to learn.
Meanwhile in my relationship things weren’t looking so good. I was starting to feel trapped and unapprecited. I thought he didn’t care about me, took all of my ideas and disreguared them. His mother didn’t like me, which was hard. I so wanted to be liked and loved.
I was unhappy. Later I was unhappy with my job too. There was only so much creative work I could do, clients were very ridged. I didn’t notice but Brad said I started to play really sad music and stopped working out, and wasn’t happy in general. I thought it was my work and my relationship. I know differently now. My depression started to rear it’s head for the first time. Perhaps it started back when I was 18, and my boyfriend died in a plane crash. Perhaps a part of me died too, and didn’t come across until later. I think not having work that was really fullfilling had something to do with it.
It took me a long time to come to terms with his death. I would cry some days just seeing a plane overhead. It was rediculous, I only knew him a short time. He just left such an impact on my life, that it was hard to forget and in some cases long for that potentila relationship. I always wondered what would of happened if he didn’t die that day. Would I have been happy?
Brad always said that I wasn’t over him, and now I see that he was right. There is something that gets left behind when tragedy happens. Brad was an amazing guy as well. Giving, caring, funny, hard working and good looking. I wish I would have had help with my bipolar then, or could of seen someone to help me sort through my feelings. I blamed him for my unhappiness. So many mistakes I have made because I had this condition floating over my head.
I am not sure how or why but something happened when I met Gilbert. I felt it the first time I met him. I remember saying to myself, “Lisa don’t get involved with this guy, just don’t”. But I couldn’t help myself. He was charming, french, adventurous and I had unbelievable chemistry with him. I was planning to leave Brad before Gilbert came along. He really just pushed my forward on my decision. I still remember that day I told Brad I was leaving. He said “Can’t we talk about things?”. I said no, and that I had made my decision. He was so devistated. I just wanted to run away. So I ran to Gilber. I picked him up at the airport and told him I had left Brad. I felt sad. I had just spend 3 years with a man, lived with him, shared dreams and hopes, and now all of that was fading away.
Would I take away my experience with Gilbert? No, but if I wasn’t so depressed I could have married Brad. Now I am in a relationship I am unhappy with again. Still not married and still sad underneath it all. Not sure how I am going to find what I am looking for. Purpose. When will I find what I truly want to do? Will I leave Doug and regret this as well? Am I just in an other depressed pattern. All I know is I am unhappy.
Gilbert. Yes Gilbert. I believe this was my first manic episode. Unless my soul was just so happy that it seemed like a manic moment. We cooked together, ate out, dressed up, made love countless ways, and longed for each other. It was magical for me. I did so much in that year. I worked for SMED, a very cool furniture company, got my motor cycle licence, had an amazing art show. And was so in love with Gilbert. So many heart strings were pulled, we couldn’t get enough of each other. Expressing this through writing love letters to each other over and over, leaving a heart trailed candy road for him. Scrapping frost covered windows early in the morning leaving notes of I LOVE YOU. Such a sexual creative time for me. I just opened up like a flower. I never wanted someone more. We made love all the time, passionate, passionate love making. We would cook great dinners together, drinking wine, and great conversation all throughout the night. It was blissful.
Then a major event was about to happen. I had planned a trip to Thailand before we even got together. I was going to be away for three months. I think a lot of people didn’t think I would actually go. But I was determined to leave. Gilbert was upset by this and took to heart that I was leaving him. The night before I left, I planned a romantic dinner for us. He sabatoged this by staying out until the wee hours of the morning. I was devistated. I felt betrayed almost and very hurt that he wouldn’t spend that precious time with me. What a let down.
My mom and Gilbert came to the airport with me. I was scared to leave and upset about the night before. I was really upset with Gilbert. Leaving didn’t feel like a joyous occasion, I felt alone.
I boared the plan for Vancouver. I sat in my seat almost in tears. what was I thinking? Why was I going on this trip? I was so afraid.
We stopped in Korea on the way there, then landed Bangkok. It was 1 or 2 in the morning. I shared a cab down to the main district. I had a hotel booked for me by a friend that was living in Thailand (that I missed because my visa was late, and I had to rebook my flight). Thank God that he did this favor for me. He also had bus booked for my ride to meet him the following day. I got to my room laid on the bed a cried. I couldn’t believe how scared I was. I just wanted to go home.
The bus ride. Well if you havn’t experinced a bus ride in Thailand well you haven’t lived and felt like you could die. This was not a bus, it was a big van. We were all scrunched into this vehicle. We watched with wide opend eyes the dangerous manoviers as the driver weaved in and out of traffic. His speed was unbelivable. I was calm for some reasone. Reading my book and thought, well if I am suppose to die then I will die.
We make it to Suritani and I meet Bob late at night. We stay up talking for too long, I am extreamly tired. I go with Bob to Puket and other places to search for a Diving spot to set up a company. We return to the small island called Koh Tao. I was relieved to get to a place where I could just relax and settle in. Bob left the next day so I had the place to myself. A small hut in the middle of the bush.
One day I am sitting out side Bob’s dive store. One of the staff tells me about a fello diver who went to some crazy dextox place on Koh Sammui. He was doing some kind of bowel cleans. He was making fun of it. I was so excited, where, when how could I find out more about this spa. I asked who the diver was and where did he live. He told me it was down the road not to far from here. Well I ran as fast as I could to find him. I was out of breath. I sat with him for a few minutes while he gave me the name and details of where the Spa was,
I came back to the dock, booked my ticket for the following day. I was off on a real adventure. I arrived at the Spa in the afternoon. I rang the bell at the front entrance, and was greeting by a very tall man wearing shorts, a white shirt and flip flops. His name was Guy. I asked if I could stay at the Spa and do the bowel cleanse. He looked over his registry gave an hmmmm and oh yes, we had a cancelation, and you can stay for 10 days. Perfect. This was all meant to be.
The 10 day cleanse I did at THE SPA was the most amazing transformation of my body that I had ever seen. Even today when some traditional doctors tell me that doing colon cleansing is bad for you, or doesn’t work, I want to laugh, I want to transport them back to those days at THE SPA. I was in good shape, slim and 24. Hard to beat a slim attractive 24 year old, however, what happened to my body was this; my eyes that were blue, became deep and sparkly like chrystals, they were so alive and clear that I would often just start at myself in the mirror for minutes because I had never remembered seeing my eyes that way. So full of life, so new, like my daughter’s eyes when I look at her at age four. My whites of my eyes where pure white, not red, not a bit yellow in the corners, and even though I was slim, my waste actually appeared. I had some curves for once. My once thought stick straight body now had more shape because my stomach and intestines had changed, moved, released enough matter to correct the shape. My energy was 10 fold, I felt alive and full of “I am going to change the world, I am going to go back home and work and make money and do this and that!” I was confident, I wasn’t scared any more.
Now I could say that this was my first bi-polar mini manic episode, and it may have been, but it felt like a rebirth. What I saw come out of my body and the smell was enough to convince you not to eat such terrible foods and let your body slowly die like that. It’s amazing what the human body can do.
This journey and theme has stayed with my for my whole life. Most of my life has been around health and healing, and I have always dreamed of building that great SPA here in North America, but with the added mind component.
I remember coming home and walking over Edmonton Trail for soup with my sister. The pollution was astounding, I had never noticed it before, but it was choking me, again proof that when you clean out your body you are more sensitive to a toxic environment. It takes years to build up that resistance to pure health.
I’m back, I don’t have a place to live, so I am staying with my middle sister Terri in her basement suite while she goes to school. We argue about all kinds of things, complains about me doing Reiki to myself on her couch. IT’s freaking her out, this new age bullshit, and she grows tiresome of me not having money or a job. I decide to go to Atlanta to work the Olmpics for a good friend, and leave for a few months. It’s a nice break, but when I return I feel like my thunder is being attacked and I decide it is time for me to move out.
I can’t remember how I got the money to get my first apartment, but I do remember my friend Ian Groll helping me get a freelance graphic design job with IDEA MACHINE. They were great people. I could come in around 4-5 and get my orders for the night. Then stay until I was done. It was fun, like having a little workshop all to yourself and access to materials to get things done, even creative things done like mini books of my art, and do advertising for my art show.
I usually got the crappy jobs they didn’t want, which didn’t help my confidence, because I had no direction when I was there, and I had to try to create something from garbage. I began to feel like I was a terrible designer, and decided to try something new. One of my friends, Tara suggested that I try interior design. So she gave me the name of a client and I called up Linda and asked to see her. We met for coffee at the GOOD EARTH, and I brought my book, that had all of my dreams, my doddles of spaces and ideas. She loved it and we connected. She said she would give me 2-4 weeks to see if we could work together.
Well it was a disaster for me. I am not sure what she wanted me to do all day in her tiny little office. So I would rearrange the files of fabric, look through patterns to try to get familiar, clean her fithy kitchen and sweep the floor. A real Cinerella. She would take me to client meetings. One time I spoke to the client about something that I would of done, something creative, and Linda got really mad. I see that now, but at the time I felt like my creativity was being stamped out, so there was some tention there around that. Then we would go to these grand homes and help women pick out fabric for a couch that would cost $10,000. I couldn’t stand it, how boring. Things were coming to a close.
Just before I went to work for Linda, Tara had suggested that I go see this medium named Margarete Davinport. She was supposedly hard to get in to see, but there was a cancelation so I got in. This is the start of the belief that people know more than you or can see more than you about your own life. To this day I see those people a waste of time and money, however every once in a while they give you a key, and it’s a really good one. So I can’t say that she didn’t help me, but she did reinforce my emotial tie to Robert, which kept me in that pattern of thinking he was the greatest lover ever. Not good, I finally collapsed him summer 2015. The great key she gave me was this, that I was moving to water, or going to water soon. I said no way, there was no way I was traveling anywhere, as I was in a new job, had no money to travel. Well can you believe this, Linda asked me to go to Vancouver (a lot of water) with here to see a designer trade show, AND, this is the best part, that we were going to take some courses, and would I like to come to a FENG SHUI course? Well this course changed my life. My boyfriend Marvin gave me the airmiles to go, and Linda paid for the hotel. So here we are sitting in this auditorium and a lady gets up and tells her story about how she was sitting in the wrong lecture one day, and it happened to be Master Lin Yun’s class on FENG SHUI. But he was telling her story, her life story in his example he was sharing with the class. The lady was overwhelmed, as her child had just died not long ago, and he was describing the exact house she was living in. Linda Lanore Graves was ther name. I was instantly hooked on this new way of looking at space, at our lives and what our homes were saying about us.
When I got home from Vancouver I started studying. I took the handout that Linda gave us and started to search for her books and that of her master. Master Lin Yun was his name. I did the best I could after reading a few books to Feng Shui my place trying to make change in my life. I thought I could start being a consultant and went to town making up flyers for my services. Well I didn’t get very far, as I had no money coming in and was becoming increasingly more stressed and depressed. My chiropractor Dr. Hasick suggested that it may not be the wisest thing to do right now, and would be hard to sell to the masses. I soon went to work for him, handling all of his marketing. That gave me some much need cash and security and I started to feel better.
I decided to start painting again, and would do one more show of all the styles I had tried in college, and grabbed some of my old work like my dotted leopard, my airbrush leopard, my colorful horse I did in my last apartment. Then I added a few new pieces that were very large. My show was at Break the Fast Café.
My sister, her friend and I decided to go out the town and enjoy a night together at the famous bar called Cowboys. I brought along postcards for my show and handed them out to people who seemed interested. One man caught my eye and so we all stopped for a chat. Marvin and Darryn were out on the town as well, as Marvin was in town from Edmonton. We started to my famous lemon shooters, and things got out of hand, and one thing lead to another, and next thing I know all three girls and all three guys were heading to someone’s house. I was 27 at the time.
It was a worldwind romance for me, however Marvin lived just outside of Edmonton in Sherwood Park on a beautiful property where he raised a heard of deer. I wasn’t interested in living in the woods, I saw myself as very cosmopolitan and a big city girl. Marvin purposed but was still not divorced. He wanted to buy me a ring one day while walking in the mall but I declined. Somehow I knew this wasn’t the guy for me, as he wasn’t very sophisticated at all, a real nice readneck in a way. I was growing apart from him. He came up for my artshow, a big deal for me as it takes a lot to get 200 people to an event. But he was nowhere in site. He kept sneaking out to Cowboys next door to watch the hockey play offs with Edmonton and Calgary? I was really pissed. I laugh now, because it’s not that big of deal. Men love sports and he was there for some of the time, I guess I just wanted to be more important than a hockey game.
Very profitable, he was a millionaire by far and had plans to open up a worldwide venison market for Europe. I decided I had enough and went out one night and ran into one of the Flames goalies. I had dated him before a few times, but he was much too shy and a little on the weird side. I decided to go home with him. Not sure why I did that, I think that was the start of my first bipolar episode as a few months later we parted ways, and I lost a lot of weight. (I had gained some while I was depressed the year before.)
In 1999 my friend Ian had invited me to an introductory session one night that was put on my Landmark education. I was very intrigued and so I signed up. Still can’t recall how I got the money to do this as it was in Vancouver. Well this course was amazing I thought, I loved the realness of it, as it cut out the bullshit and just dealt with the issue at hand, no blaming just taking responsibility and cleaning up one’s past actions. Being good on your world, walking your talk, and my favorite part was the listening skills. The best thing I took from this how to stop thinking while people were talking and just be present and really listen to everything they are saying. I think very often when we are conversing with others we are more concerned with what we are going to say or reply than we are at just listening. There was a term in their language called “benevolent” observer/listening. It means to just be a true witness without passing judgment, just there listening so that someone had a “listening to go into.” How many times are you talking to your spouse or boss at work and they are not really hearing what you are saying as they are off in their own heads? So that was my favorite thing.
Not sure fully why this is, but whenever I study something complex that pushes me to learn new things, things that give me energy and creativity I go into a manic phase. I got really crazy in Vancouver. I signed up for the Advanced Course that was the following weekend. You had to call people in general to clean up your stuff and call to come for the Tuesday night finale, and seeing that I was in Calgary I called my sister. I also called my sister, my mom and Marvin. I told Marvin that I slept with that hockey player and how sorry I was. We were no longer dating so I didn’t see the harm in telling him. He said he forgave me.
Terri and Darryn B. flew down for the weekend. I was higher than a kite, telling them how I am going to build this business (can’t remember which one, as I can create one a week if I wanted to) and have limousines pick us up. How life was going to be so different a year from now. So I have the Monday off before the Tuesday night. I am walking around Vancouver, I stroll into the Royal Bank, ask to see an advisor. They let me in I sit down and start chatting with this advisor in his office about Landmark and how he should come on Tuesday night and check it out! I had no reservations for doing anything, I was so bold and felt so alive. I hadn’t felt that good in a long time. (See picture insert)
Well of course they didn’t come to the Tuesday night, but it shows you how confident and bold I can get. I borrowed money from one of the ladies I met at the course and then I flew back for the advanced course that following weekend. The advanced course was tough. I remember that we had to walk up on stage and say to the rest who we were. I am – and then who you thought you were. I can’t remember what I said first, but the Leader just sat at the back of the room and shook his head. I collapsed. I started to get teary eyed. Then I said again “Who I am is –“ and again he shook his head no. Then I started cry. He said loud and clear “you are love and joy Lisa”. Yes! Yes! That is who I am and I jumped up and down with excitement. I felt free.
Walking around Vancouver was blissful, everything seem new and fresh and I felt unstoppable. I signed up for the three-month course, once a week on a Wednesday.
The Landmark Communication in Excellence course was really about creating a community project that you would gain support from others and build something great for one of your communities. I can’t remember what I built; it’s all a blur. How was I going to get there? Who could donate airmiles to me?
I went to visit Mogens Smed, as I had worked for him in 1994, one to show him my latest business plan for a device I called “move it” which was a bell idea (actually a squeaky toy) that wrapped around your hand for when you were roller blading. He wasn’t going to invest in my product, but told me to keep inventing and keep trying my ideas. Before I left I asked if he could donate one trip’s worth of airmiles. He said yes, and to give the dates to his assistant. Well I gave her my sheet of the 3 months of times I had to be in Vancouver. Guess what? Mogens donated ALL the flights for my course! I couldn’t belive it, I was speechless. I was going come hell or high water. That’s when I showed up Wednesday, took the course, then stayed at someones house, anyone’s house that night, and had Allan pick me up and take me to the airport really early. I think I had to be there at 6am each Thursday. It was a very magical experience, because I had no money and here I was flying back and forth.
For three months I was off to Vancouver, and each week I left on the Wednesday, stayed at someone’s house overnight (that was fun, not knowing where I was going to sleep) and then flew back in the morning. Now I had met this really nice guy named Andrew, who was a student from Singapore. He was in my classes for Landmark one and two. He would pick me up now matter how early it was from a new house each Thursday morning. It worked out magically really.
In 1999 I wasn’t dating Marvin, we had broken up three months earlier. I remember calling him to clean up the fact that I had slept with a guy I knew while we were dating. I was very manic during the end phase of dating Marvin, and I went out one night and purposefully went home with a guy I had dated breifely before. I just wanted to have fun and I didn’t care who I was hurting. 3 months later he died and there was an investigation into his cause of death. I still think he was murdered, as it was too convienient that he would park his truck far away from the house, but then light it on fire then go upstairs and shoot himself in the head. I was on his will then taking off his will, and I was the last long term relationship apparently. The RCMP asked for my statement. I told them all I knew about his ex-wife, her brother and Marvin’s concern for his daughter. It was a very odd time, and going to the funeral was heart-breaking.
Terri and I decided to go out that night on our way back into Calgary. We stopped in at a martini bar on 17th ave. Well near the end of the night I met Clint Austin, a guy I had briefly dated in 1988. We hit it off and talked all night and shared storied. He asked me out on a date, which we went to a breakfast place on 17th Ave called Nellie’s. I should of seen the warning signs on that first date. All he did was talk about himself and what he had done in the army. I remember feeling like he was way more into himself than me. In the end that was true.
We started dating, and I was highly infatuated with his looks, his body, his sense of loyalty and work ethic. Then in less than a year into our relationship he was going to be sent off to Kosovo. I was devastated, as this was a 6 month tour assignment. Not sure why I thought it necessary, but I decided to move to Edmonton, where he lived. I couldn’t stay at his apartment because he had rented it out to a girl he use to date. Wasn’t happy about that, and I decided to live with Ruth and Larry Kelly, friends of Sharma’s and mine to some small extent. I looked up companies in the yellow pages and found a job as an art director for a local design company. That didn’t go so well. There was no work and hardly anything to do. They paid me well so I was happy for the first time, but it wasn’t the right synergy. I moved onto CDMG, another design house, just as a contract worker. But again there wasn’t tons of work to do. I ended up spending most my time working on Edmonton Transit logos, and I must of done 100 of them, but in the end they didn’t change their look. I did some hand-made greeting cards because they had this really fancy color printer, and one of the girls said, why don’t you start a card company those are really great. So that’s what I did, I created Peachy Keen Cards.
Clint came back, but our relationship had been compromised, because I needed his support while I was going through the transition of working in Edmonton, staying at a different house, and getting fired from my first job there. He didn’t respond well to my needing some attention. He also flew on his time off to Paris, instead of coming home and that really hurt as well.
Clint decided to get our of the army and work for a large company. With his Royal Roads background and army service he was a perfect candidate for the USA, as they favor military personale. He got a job interview with Bombardier in North Carolina. He was about to got down when he got the call they were laying off people. One of his army friends who had been out for a while, got him an interview at Nortel. He got the job and we were now moving back to Calgary, thank God!
I found a really great 2 bedroom condo for $250,000, underground garage and supper cute. I put in my RRSP’s as a contribution, but at the signing I was not aloud to partake. He told me that I wouldn’t be approved if I was on the mortgage and that we would put me on the title as soon as we took possession. Well that never happened, and I didn’t have my financial house in order, so I didn’t press the issue.
Well 6 months later, Clint came home, got mad, thought I was having an affair and kicked me out. I was just with a friend who had depression, and we decided to drink ourselves silly, and we did. There was no affair, but Clint just felt like I was up to something.
I was devastated having to move out, all my stuff, my cat, where was I going to go? Terri had room in her house, so I slept up stairs and used one of the rooms as my work room.
To date I have moved 45 times in my life. That’s once per year moving and changing. When I am manic I move a lot, because I either get asked to leave, or start a big fight and leave on my own. I good friend of mine Fernando knew a very nice guy name Ken Staroskick. He use to live in his basement suite, a very nice basement suite that was connected to the upstairs by a small stairway. Very beautifully appointed home and sophisticated neighborhood. I moved into that lovely little place for a test period of 3 months. I was on my upswing of manic and well Ken didn’t like the disruption I was causing and even more at one of his parties I said something to his favorite designer Tracy about her life. It was true, but it was how I said it-which was very matter of fact and aggressive. I never went sailing with him again for that very reason. Anyway he asked me to leave.
911 had just happened a few months ago. Just before that in the spring I entered into my upward manic phase. I was set to buy a new Audi, I went into Blu’s women’s wear and bought $10,000 of clothes on credit, I leased a business space in Bankers Hall, paid for the parking as well, and set out to continue working on my graphic design. I also got my teeth veneered by Dr. Brian Rudy, which gave me the boost I needed, as I always wanted straight teeth, but it was so painful I could only do the top. I sincerely think it was that process that helped kick me into overdrive. The sound of the drill it was constant, the myriad of needles, as my gums kept bleeding, and Dr. Rudy’s odd behavior. I had enrolled in Landmark for the SELP for six months, and we would meet regularly as a team.
Landmark is an interesting Company. I did my first Landmark in 2009, and then did it again in 2011. The initial course I would say is very good. I got my listening skills from those teachings. I also got to clean up a lot of crap with my family and basically apologize for things I had done and perceptions that were wrong. As well we learn how to enroll others into our causes, which is basically sales. The Self Expression and Leadership Program was intense because of the amount of work we had to do. By the time 911 hit in the US, we were well into the program. I remember the start of my manic because I was the only one who stood up in front of the class and told everyone that 911 was also represented in all of us. Where was the micro version of those attacks in us? The class was appalled. How could I be so cold and cruel the world was shocked and I was cocky. The first trip down to SanFran was crazy. We had to complete all of these tasks like do our taxes, pay bills, clean our house and car, anything that was an incomplete for us. I get down there and I forget to do something at my house. I am living with Terri at this time. I call Ann and tell her I need her to go to my house and wake Terry up at 1am in the morning to get something, I can’t recall. Ann did it, and what a crazy thing to do. But that was part of the lesson on that first night.
Landmark pushes you and they so in a way that you move through your shit and get onto doing what’s most important. Well my energy was high that weekend in San Fran that I got kicked out of Landmark. They worded it nicely as I had to say to them “I choose to leave the program”, when really it was them asking me to leave. They asked if I was under any psychiatric care, which I was offended by, as I had no idea what my energy was doing. But to put that crazy energy into perspective this is what happened that day that I was set free. I went out onto the SanFrancisco streets feeling alive and set free like a bird in a cage. I was hungry so I walked around looking for that special something. I walked right into the Paloma Picasso Hotel, took the elevator to the 5th floor and sat in this beautiful room. I mention this because really neat events and circumstances happen to me when I am on a manic high. I am having this wonderful breakfast, and in walks a man who sits down a table over from me. We strike up a conversation, and by the end of it he is inviting me to LA to stay with him and his kids, as he is a music producer for Lenny Kravitz and others. He tells me I am going to make it big time, he can just feel it. So I leave with a phone number and my ego inflated. A few blocks away I can hear this amazing music, someone is singing ophera. I stand across the street in amazement because this guys is so good, and how come no one is watching like I am in astonishment. I cross the street, give him a 10 dollar bill and listen for a few songs. Then he stops finally and I start asking him questions. Why is he on the street singing when he is so good. He laughs, he’s not a street person, he sings for the San Franciso Ophera House as the Phatom in Phatom of the Opera! I laughed. He tells me the story of how he started. He used to sing outside of Barney’s at Christmas time and it helped the store bring in customers. He actually put his kids through college on the money he earned all of those years. Again, an amazing experience. I spent the entire day exploring and feeling free just to be me. When I got to the airport I had passes for the Business Class Lounge, so I just hung out there until it was time to board my plane. I met the Landmark group just before boarding and funny enough our fearless leader never told them where I was or what happened. That’s a complete communication failure for sure.
Things just get worse from here. I was subletting an office from Bankers Hall and I wasn’t getting any new work in. I was running out of money. I remember one day where I noticed I couldn’t make a few calls, I had really bad anxiety and I was afraid. I had stopped my monthly parking, so I had to take the bus back home. I arrived on a cold fall afternoon, and my mom had slept over, not sure why, and I asked her to stay. I told her I was very scared, and all she could say was I know. By this time Ken my roommate was getting tired of all the drama, early mornings, and late nights and so he asked me to leave after three months. Again, more pushback from my manic behavior. Terri helped me move some of my stuff into her basement. One night the agitation was so bad I went down stairs to sleep with my sister, thinking she would save me. I rocked my body trying to feel better, Wendy did nothing. I wepped silently. When she got up all she said to me was “Lisa you are having a nervous breakdown, go and see your doctor.” SO I did. Dr. Watty could see that I was in rough shape. She gave me a prescription of Paxel and a number of a doctor I was to call to go and see. “You have to work at getting better” she said. And so the journey started with the medication and the road to recovery, this time.
I decided to enroll in Landmark again, and after I completed the course I enrolled in the six month leadership course, which was intense. As we were getting into it I started to get manic, and then 9-11 hit. I had rented a place in Bankers Hall, was about to buy an Audi, and bought $10,000 worth of clothes from Blus.
Terri and I got into a fight, I decided to live with Ken a friend who had a great basement suit in his house. As you can imagine, that didn’t help either, and after our three month stint together he asked me to leave. I was starting to crash anyway, and I had gotten kicked out of Landmark SELProgram. I was barely functioning. My mom came to stay with me for a bit, I had to move, so I moved back into Terri’s and was sleeping with Wendy downstairs when I thought I was going to lose it. Wendy woke up and told me to go to my doctors and that I was having a nervous breakdown.
So I did. I got my first depression prescription – Paxil. It took a week, but the agitation finally shifted, I was still shakey and scarred and couldn’t leave the house. I was so afraid to be around people, that I would flip out again. It was winter and snowy out, and I remember sitting on my sisters couch looking out the window talking to David Adie. David asked me if I had gone out side yet this week? I said no, and he suggested I get bundled up and walk around the block even. Said to get outside and move my body.
Well I started to do that. I started with one block first then another and another, until I was walking all the way to the park Terri and I use to jog to at one time. Then I started jogging part way there, until I could jog all the way there and back. I started to feel better, I started to right goals and take graphic work, I started to feel better. I also got an appointment to see Dr. Mamen, who I disliked but though because I was low income that I had to stay with her. It took me ten years to get out of her claws. I really didn’t respect her, and I am sure I was one of her worst clients, because I never wanted to stay on the drugs, I always knew there was an underlying reason for it. She was mean and would say hurtful things to me, she didn’t understand what I was striving for. It was Bud Reiki that suggested I go to the Bipolalr clinic at the Foothills, and man was I glad I got in after mine months.
That day I talked to David Adie changed my life. Just getting outside to get fresh air and start to have some different thoughts made all the difference. And I have to thank my sister Terri, as she was a rock for me while I went through my tough time. By March, I was getting into the swing of things, literally, and went golfing with a friend. We ended up golfing with a three guys and myself. That is where I met Kevin Suffern, and boy did we all have fun. They guys were nervous because my friend told them they wanted to golf from the whites, and not the blues, so that I could play with them. Well they all looked at me like “ya right, that girl is going to play with us from the whites? Good luck.” So I went first, and man did I crack one hell of a tee shot down the fairway. I smiled, grabbed my tee and waited. The mouths were hanging open, and Kevin went up next… couldn’t get off the box, duffed one out far left into the trees. IT took about four holes and some drinks for us to get into a good pattern. I kicked ass that day, I was on fire. By the 9th hole, we were looped up and one guy helped me fall into the small pool before the 9th hole. We all laughed and laughed, it was so much fun.
Kevin was smitten. I ran into him again at a friends’ solstice summer party at his acreage. I was getting ready to compete in the Long Drive Competition in a few weeks, so I wasn’t really into partying that night. Besides, people were doing a lot of drugs, and I really wasn’t in to that. Thinking back, Wendy, Terri and I went to the Millerville race track the weekend before, and that is where we met these three guys. Those guys were the ones who were having the party. Wendy was dating Denis now, Terri didn’t’ come, and I was just hanging. I saw Kevin by the fire pit, but he was so high, he couldn’t even talk to me. So I hitched a ride home with a friend.
It was now July 2001, and the Calgary Stampede was in full swing. If there is any time to get out of control, it’s the ten days of Stampede. The City of Calgary is in full party mode, and most everyone comes out to play. I went down to the big Cowboys tent that was on 11th Ave. I was walking around looking for people that I knew and to scope out the play for men. Well, I ran into Kevin, and he was really drunk. He gives me a big hug and then said out loud to his friends “I am going to marry this girl.” Well that never happened, but my seven year journey with dating him on an off was peppered with stories.
My time with Kevin Suffern was amazing. Sometimes the people the love you the most and see your true spirit are the ones' we run from. Well I ran from. It has taken a long time to understand the fear that hides behind us whenever we get close to something so good. Kevin loved me, loved my family and loved every thing about me. I kept pushing him away and making excuses for why he wasn't the guy for me.
January 1, 2018
I am sitting in Analogue Coffee with my daughter Sarah. She is watching Netflix as I stand and write as it is a full house of people and activity. I needed to get out and just move my mind as I didn't sleep well and was in a bit of a funk. When I don't have plans or things to look forward to, I get scrambled a bit. I like to know what I am moving towards. So I arranged to have coffee with a friend and her husband. I really sat there looking at them and thinking, how lovely it is to have someone on your side. To go through life with a person who has your back and invests in you with their love. I have to admit I was jealous in a way, because I have spent my whole life searching for a career when really what I want is a relationship that fuels me and nourishes me.
That was the big ephany last week. What am seeking is a relationship, my soul mate. A person I can love and put my energy into to grow as well. I can do this if I stay in the Energy and if I invest in staying out of the Matrix by being on the calls and keep writing goals for how I do want my life to expand.
For 2018 the goals I wrote were:
1. I am winning at attract my soulmate, and use the ENERGY to keep and nourish the relationship.
2. I am winning at creating a home on a high hill where I can see out far, see the moon and the stars and be near nature at a moments notice.
3. I am winning at winning at this game called life. I am winning at finding the most amazing minds to work with and for.
4. I am winning at creating financial stability, prosperity and financial growth for myself and my daughter.
5. I am winning at paying off all of my investment debt by my birthday, July 9, 2018.
6. I am winning at using my God given talents/energy to help propel a great company into the future.
7. I am winning at completing my book by May 2018.
8. I am winning at receiving known and unknown gifts, synchronicities and coincidences into my life twice a day around relationships, career, opportunities to participate and create.
I was at church yesterday with Sarah, and I had this amazing revelation. I am on purpose. I do have a purpose. It's to bring love and joy to the world by staying in the ENERGY and taking action. If I am the ENERGY and I am living in it, then my life is blissful and moving forward with ease and flow. This afternoon was not that. It feels more like it now.
Some times our past friends just remind us of our past and what we don't have, then what we have learnt and where we are going. With so much adversity and challenge in my life, I have looked for the reason behind it. I now know that the only thing missing in my life is money. And though that may sound a certain way it's true. I have everything else, and the MONEY I do have is just in another form. I learnt that from Dr. John Demartini. We all have wealth, things we have invested in over and over. Mine is in personal discovery, health and wellness and in finding a way to navigate. The next step is to do the same, turn that wisdom into direct cash and then use the knowledge that I have gained into "sharing" and "teaching." I am a teacher. I am a coach, I am someone who assists others in getting what they want.
I am close. I am so close. I have more than most people have.
Even my last teacher I moved passed with the ENERGY. She saw fear, and panic and then talked to me about the worst things that could happen to me, instead of "how are we going to solve this?" I knew when I left her office, that it was my last session with her. I have this amazing new community now, one that I can get support from, one that I can connect with daily and stay in the natural support that comes when you just reach for it.
I was in the Matrix earlier today for sure. I set a goal to go and write, do something creative and fuel my momentum forward. I feel more like myself now. To sit and reflect about where you have come from and see your strengths and what you have done to win each day, is what is worth living. From this book, to getting on the calls, to writing wins, it's all moving me in the right direction of EXPANSION.
If we are not expanding then we are contracting. What are you going to do today to expand? What are you going to do, say and believe in to move life forward for the betterment of all? I caught myself complaining about "not shutting up" and basically nailing myself to the cross. Why? Why would I need to beat myself up like that? So I left just noticing and being aware of my old pattern with old friends and what I did to put myself in the pit. To be that poor me, I've done it wrong again. I am not anybody because I don't have any body type of talk.
Well I am an amazing human being. And I can share what I am going through and being that source for others who want to get out of the Matrix as well.
PARTCIPATION is the key. Reach for the ENERGY, write goals and the take action, and count your wins each day to build momentum.
June 8th, 2018 Sitting in DISTILLED Coffee and Bar in Marda Loop.
I was manic when I wrote the above. Great stuff, very inspiring and real. Only there was a crash after that. The content is amazing, the lesson and the teachings are wonderful. But a crash came.
One thing you will learn or perhaps you already know me, is this, I love learning. I keep reading and trying something new because I am curious. This time I am not trying to solve my bipolar conditions. I am testing the work that I am studying. If it works then I have my own proof. Like most of the courses I have taken, I have experienced the teachings with authentic clarity and results. But why haven't I stuck with one then? Maybe because I am eclectic, or I just like "NEW" or it's part of the gathering of information. Maybe I am addicted to new, or courses, or expanding my thinking.
Doesn't matter in the end. I have found that my life is about me and my journey on this planet. All the people and external environments are part of the bigger plan. What do I want to create if I am so creative? If I feel I am present and awake in this life, then why can't I have what I dream? Is Bruce Lipton correct? Are we hardwired since age 7 to believe what we believe? If so how many mantras to I have to say to myself?
This latest journey is with Dr. Joe Dispenze. I have given myself a three month test field. Where I have to FEEL the future before it happens. I have to feel what it would be like to be happily married and be doing what I love. That is actually very hard to do. To elicit an emotion before it has happened is corny in a way. Visualization isn't the whole story. It's a MOVING story. A FEELING story that changes the field. The brain doesn't know the difference when athletes practice their movements frame by frame over and over. Those produce results.
People mentally rehearsing playing the piano and having the same results as others that do practice is an amazing discovery. People feeling like the have perfect health and then become healed at that instance is extraordinary. I thought if a man could shrink his tumour after 5 days of intensive meditation, then I could apply the same methods daily for my own results.
I have a big "C" and a big "M" intention to manifest in the next three months. A career intention where I love what I do, get paid over $100K a year, get to travel and teach and have flexibility and autonomy with my schedule would have me FEELING: Inspired, in AWE, grateful and joyful.
So the practice is to actually FEEL those four emotions so intensely that my energy pattern matches the pattern of similar vibration in the quantum field. The catch is to feel like that, BUT NOT go back to the old familiar patterns that keep us in the past.
When I actually look at what I think about in a day, when I am not on my game, it's more of the past. It's what I don't want, it's my complaints, my fears, my "this sucks" attitude, and how do I get more of what I want. Imagine, 95% of your day is spent in OLD thoughts. What are we doing? What am I creating for myself? I am creative and I consider myself well-read and consciously alive. Why am I thinking and feeling more of the past instead of creating into the future.
My sister and others roll their eyes at me. However I feel that THEY are a part of my healing. "Trying something new again?" They would say. Why do you do all of these courses? Why do you keep looking? You aren't any different then before. Your life hasn't changed much. How is this helping? Nothing those teachers say are going to help you. Well you know what? If I gain one grain of consciousness than being a human that doesn't find the Universe interesting, then I have made extraordinary progress in this life. If I asked a question and tried something new, looked at life in a new way or questioned my life, then this is progress. That my life may look the same on the outside is irrelevant. What I have experienced within has been extraordinary in those moments. My life has been filled and blessed with many amazing moments. I wouldn't change a thing, nor would I want to be anyone else. I want to be the best Lisa Marie that I can be. I want to create a life that people thought couldn't be done. All of those people that may have looked at me and dismissed what I was searching for, what I longed for, who I was at core, I want to prove to myself that I can create a new reality. I am not my past. I do not have to be my program that keeps me afraid, stuck or scared to dream bigger than my past. I want to create. If other people can do it, so can I. If others can create a new reality, so can I. If Dr. Joe can heal his body through thought and feeling then so can I. I can heal my past. I can heal my old wounds and conditioning that was applied upon my soul.
My relationship with Cam really hurt a lot. I mean when I came down from my craziness I felt this deep pain in my heart of loss. That pain is what drew me more intently to Dr. Joe's work. How was I going to transcend this pain? This feeling like I screwed up again. I ran my old programs again. I lost love because I couldn't communicate how messed up my thinking was. What was important? What really mattered? Love matter. Connection mattered. And I dismissed them. Those feelings in my body that told me to stay and connect.
I lost love. I found that love, that experience of it, so I can create it again.
I lost my career. I found that career, that inspiration of what I could do, so I can create it again.
I can FEEL like I want to feel. I have that knowing.
It's not easy. I am a human being. I go back some days, then I remember that the Unified field will give me feedback. This is my feedback so far. I meditated one morning. As I was going through my day, I was thinking while I was at the mall with my daughter, "I wonder what Rene is doing? I should call her and see if she wants to connect." Na, I thought, she would be busy with her kids and it's too impromptu. Another time I thought. Well, I after the mall I asked Sarah if she wanted to go to Village Ice-cream or stay at the mall and have ice-cream.
Off we went to Village Ice-cream. I walk in the door to order and one minute later Rene walks in with her kids. I couldn't believe it! There was the reflection of the field. Cool I thought, but I dismissed it a bit. Then Sarah and I were sitting down and she asked me to tell her a story. "There was a little girl named Sarah ..." Don't use my name she said. "Okay, there was a little girl named Paige..." One minute later Paige, Sarah's school friend walks by. Okay now that is the quantum filed giving me feedback. What it means I don't know, however I started seeing life as this work was about looking for the mystical.
If I just look for the amazing coincidences then I could see the work in action. I could start to see proof that what I was doing was working. Why else would I do it? I started to get excited about it. Like today. Expect the unexpected I said to myself. What I found is that after doing my mediation I did feel a bit transformed, and that feeling carried me throughout the day. I had a good day at work.
I normally was feeling like I was not having the most fulfilment until I changed the way my work was showing up for me. If I used this as a practice to manifest sales for this company, then I could say that I went from being uninspired about the role, product and service to being aligned with the energy to create opportunities. Things have been moving more fluidity. I have been getting more calls, more emails back than I had before. Sign. So keep going.
I then shared this with Les today, who asked me a question about my progress. Why? What's different? What have you been doing? I told him about my experiment and how I was FEELING differently about what I was doing. It's not the job, it is the opportunity to create. I am creating. I am using the energy to assist this company in reaching its' potential. It's my potential in the field. Come from a place of uncertainty, un-love, and feeling uninspired and move into possibility.
It sounds odd to some. Sounds mystical to others. However these new realities are based in science. They have brain scans and heart scans of individuals who when meditating FEEL differently, their scans read differently. Less stress more heart rate coherence with the brain. Why wouldn't I try that on my own?
I actually had a great day. I felt like I was making progress with feeling better than I did two weeks ago. I was able to get off using my Adavan (anxiety medication) each day. The days were really harry for me in April, so much going on, so much change so much of the unknown. I decided one morning that the anxiety was coming from the past and fear of the future the unknown. I decided to have the courage to use the meditation as a way to program into the future. So far so good. Each day feels different and it's work to let go of my feelings for Cam and the idea of the future I could of created with him.
This is my journey. This is my experiment. I want this to be a part of my book. I am not attached any more to being off my medication. I am curious if I believe I can create a new reality for myself. If I can stop feeling like my past and my limitations and feel more like possibility, fun and creation.
Chapter 8 - Ken - AKA Cameron
When we met, I didn’t think much of him. He looked a bit odd, short, glasses with a hug prescription on them. He seemed nice enough. I had been asked out for a drink by my then friend, Tom. We gathered at the Cactus Club on McLeod trail. We had a few drinks, talking about work, people we knew and the past. (Tom knew my sister Wendy and his best friend use to date my older sister). It was nice seeing him. I had a crush on Tom from before, but he wasn’t the kind of guy to commit or show his interests. Two drinks into things I see a man coming towards us. Tom introduces him as Ken and has him sit with us. Within in 15 minutes he gets up and tells me he has to go. I thought how rude, how odd of Tom to invite me and then just leave. I didn’t know this man at all, and he seemed a bit weird to me.
Well three drinks later, I discovered that he was a very interesting person. Worked insurance, ran his own company, had kids, liked to ski. The typical. When we were about to leave he asked me if I would like to go for lunch with him some time. I said sure, and gave him my number. A week later he called to book a lunch. Then the day of the lunch he called and said he couldn’t do it, he was married. That was it. I said fine, good plan, and that was the last of him that I heard.
More to this story … however I need to write something else today.
I have been involved with the amazing work of Donny Epstein. He created Network Spinal Care and Somatic Respiratory Integration (SRI). Through this I have been able to get more in touch with my pain resonance that lives in my body. I haven’t found talk therapy helpful for years. I believe that our traumas’ are stored in our body. Donny said that information wasn’t stored in the body it was stored in the “field” and that it was the resonance that was stored. This is a cool because we can access this energy through being aware of it, acknowledging it and then accepting it as it is to move through the stages.
He created the 12 Stages of Healing, because he found in his practice that people where healing their lives, and showing up with certain body postures, certain vocabularies and postures. He gathered his information and in a lucid dream one night put it all together. I have seen shifts in me already and guess what, it’s me doing the work. I’m not reaching outside of myself for someone to heal me or tell me, I am placing my hands on my body and just being with it. It’s hard to do when you are in the pain of your life. You want to run away and try not to face it, feel it or deal with it. I would eat more sugar, chips, fried foods, and alcohol … like actually needing to go to the wine store to pick up a bottle because I was feeling so disconnected. I didn’t know how to solve my own problem of feeling unworthy, unloveable and a nobody.
Donny’s work is assisting me in seeing and owning these parts.
David Mehler’s Man On Fire Course … has been inspirational as well. He teaches men the SRI techniques in a safe group for men to heal and face the most current problems in their lives. I’ve watch much of his content and find him to hit straight home, with presence, truth and love for the brotherhood. When I was listening to David talk to the men, he kept mentioned this Donny Epstein guy and doing the exercises. Get your hand on your bodies men … what was that I wondered and who is this Donny guy?
I went searching on YouTube and found bits and pieces of him talking, but really didn’t understand the depth of what he was sharing as I had no context for the 12 Seasons of Healing or SRI, or Network Spinal Care. Something felt true and hit home for me, so I gobbled up anything I could, watching Donny’s content over and over, finding his words now spoke to a deeper part of me. I joined his online community private group on Facebook and immersed myself even more.
I found a Network Spinal Care Chiropractor in Calgary in April and bought the book 12 Stages of Healing in May of 2019. What happened was amazing. My anger started to calm down, and I could finally sleep through the night. I didn’t sleep through the night much before that, so I considered this a huge improvement. I know of so many women who do not sleep.
I am watching and learning from the group, talking to people, doing the other types of exercises like the GAP, and made a commitment to do the exercises each day.
One of the concepts I love that David shared with his men was “what is your essence?” not as in what is your career, but what did the Universe or God give to you that makes you unique? I thought about this and new that I am love, joy, creativity and energy rich. This is how I have been throughout my life. I don’t have to try, it just comes to me naturally. When you don’t have to work at it, or think about it, and its’ who you just are, then you have found your essence.
So I practiced being out in the field with others and giving that aspect of myself, freely, not wanting anything, not trying to surface connect, just giving energy that is rich, full and contributing to the other person. What I found is that the more I focused on giving these natural gifts, I stop trying to give things that were not me, fake, peony, trying to get something in return.